Therapy

I attended therapy at Planned Parenthood on a weekly basis from 2020 to mid 2022.

It wasn't my first time in therapy, but I still went in with the misconception that a therapist would have a quick fix to end my suffering.

After all is said and done, I feel confident that she was a good therapist. I hold so much gratitude for her standing by me when I felt I couldn't tell anyone else how ashamed and lost I felt. She was more religious than me and would often say, "everything happens for a reason," which irked me - but I'm sure I say a lot of things that are irksome. I still don't believe there is a good enough reason on earth for the experiences I write about.

Over time, the sessions meandered into my family life, relationships and boundaries. I don't have all the answers and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to completely get past what happened with my rapist. I keep needing to remind myself that others' behavior is not necessarily caused because of me.

CalVCB helped cover the expenses, which would have been just one more price to pay for damage done by my rapist.
They required a police report which, if not complete (which mine was apparently not at the time), would then require a detailed letter of my experiences of applicable crimes to justify compensation. I must have cried the whole day while writing and rewriting that letter. I resented they made me relive the trauma. Our system is flawed, but ultimately I am grateful.

Without compensation, my out-of-pocket expenses would have come to over $7000.

Ultimately, two years later it's very easy to cry about how challenging it can be to confront the places I've experienced trauma in.
It's easy to be hard on myself for not being used to how hard it is emotionally to process the whys and hows of recovery. I probably wouldn't have left therapy if my therapist hadn't left her practice first. As I write this, it's simply too difficult to open up to a new person. So I am taking a rest.

I'm learning to be okay with my experiences. And I'm learning that being okay with it is enough.