Culture Clash

In hopes of understanding him better, I inhaled as much as I possibly could about India. I wanted to be ready, since I wasn't sure how plausible his job-loss scenarios were. I was surprised to discover that he apparently held a great deal of contempt toward the country as a whole and had no interest in ever permanently residing there again, regardless of his family. He made an active effort to not only reduce, but eliminate his accent and would mock others if they hadn't done the same. Going to Indian restaurants together was off the table, as he considered them, "too dirty." I watched him quickly dismiss an incoming call when, "Mummy," appeared on his caller ID. I thought it was all very strange.

Now that I've had the opportunity to learn more outside of my experience of him, I see that his behavior had everything to do with him and nothing to do with a culture he rejected. I have no doubt that he's experienced his share of trauma, cruel treatment and unfair pressure during his life, particularly in regards to parental abuse and gender roles. He emphasized his experience of racially charged verbal abuse from strangers, his father waking him as a child with a bucket of cold water, and illness (scurvy) while in school.

He boasted that, as a young adult in India, he had gotten out of a massive car crash with just a scratch. While I was with him, his BMW was impounded and he didn't act bothered in the least. When he played the market, he chose high-risk investments and then complained about his losses. He announced he had signed up for drifting classes and I firmly believe he only disclosed the information to see the concern develop on my face. He boasted that his aircraft seat mates had seemed horrified when he began laughing when their flight experienced turbulence and audibly skidded to a halt upon landing. He took great lengths to appear unbothered by thrilling and frightening experiences.

Looking back, my abuser had definite earmarks of insecurity which I often rushed to comfort him about. On our first date, he showed me photos of himself as a teenager and scoffed at his glasses and his previously thin frame. He went for runs frequently, worked out nearly every evening and would reject greeting with hugs because he thought he smelled. He'd avoid showing his charmingly skewed smile in any of his closeups and he seemed very conscious of his public image, leasing the nicest things he could afford. Regardless of how hard he seemed to be working, he'd often make remarks about how lazy he felt he was.

When complimented how cute he was, he responded that nobody called him that but his mom. It seemed worth his while to spend an entire evening trying to badger an admission of love out of me once I was throughly frustrated by his lack of commitment. When I suggested cooking for him, he practically squealed with delight, as if this was some sort of unusual pampering. While planning to move to San Francisco, he insisted I wouldn't like him anymore because his budget wouldn't allow eating out as much, a sentiment which I objected I had ever held. There was some concern in his mind that a new housemate would not be able to bear to look at him every day, yet he was strangely critical of the fact that his current housemate couldn't afford to keep the entire 2-bedroom apartment once he moved. When we parted ways, he expressed doubt that he would easily find someone else. I firmly assured him he would.

If it weren't for his aggressive and risky compensatory behavior, I probably wouldn't consider to pathologizing any of these things. In fact, at first glance, it just looks like someone taking good care of himself and making moves, if a little self-conscious. I felt sad that he had suffered and hadn't felt appreciated throughout his life, so I did all I could to soothe him.

I often got the sense that my abuser regarded my kindness toward him as a foolish gesture. His really seemed to believe that if he took advantage of me, it was what I deserved for choosing to trust and expending effort on a relationship with him.

Yes, he was mean to me. And he was mean to himself. None of this is an excuse to manipulate or hurt people in order to obtain control or confidence. It's a reason to seek professional help and support.